How to Revive the Inhumanoids

...Not in the literal sense, I mean...

Oh, whatever.

I'm obviously a huge nerd, and the fact that I've actually considered how one would revive a poorly remembered toy franchise (which I've talked about here) from the '80s is just a sign of the peculiarities of my particular brand of nerdiness.

And, in all seriousness, I think it's a viable one.

The central aspects of my plan are twofold. (Hasbro employees, if you're reading this, I'd be happy if the series was revived, and that's all I'd ask for as a reward.) The first is understanding just why Inhumanoids tanked.

Much as I love the oddball little franchise, it had one glaring flaw-all the toys were too darned big. The smallest toy in the line was at least the size of a modern Transformers Voyager-class, and most of them were Ultra-class sized or larger. The stars of the line, Metlar, D'Compose, and Tendril, were about the size of Transformer Supreme-class toys-if not bigger. (I used to have a Metlar, but my mother threw him out after his head broke off. WHY? I loved that headless Metlar!) This means, in the modern market, that the cheapest toys in the line would at a minimum cost of $20 a pop. $20 a pop for the smallest toys in the line. And the toys were absolutely tremendous, minimally poseable, and had minimal gimmicks. Obviously, a new toyline would have to go with smaller, cheaper toys, at least for most characters. (For an explanation of the Transformers size class terminology and a chart of related price points, look at this web page.)

The second step is a major cost-saving measure: Recycle other toys.

No, I don't mean the originals. Fun as the classic toys might be in one respect (they be BIG and HEAVY-one person on the ol' internets described their primary virtue as being the fact that you knew you could kill somebody with one), they're figurative dinosaurs-uncompetitive in today's market. No, I'm thinking of mining the past of another toyline, one that would love to foist off what it sees as its past mistakes on some poor, unsuspecting fellow toyline. I am, of course, referring to G. I. Joe.

Yes, seriously, GIJoe. Here's some examples of what GIJoe could part with: Bio-Viper. Monstro-Viper. Lobotomaxx. Predacon. Carcass. The Manimals (Iguanus, Slythor, and Warwolf). (If you're a Joe fan from the time period, don't deny hatin' 'em, you heartless jerk. The line died around then, and you blame them for it.) Digging deeper, there are things like the rather boringly named Armor Bot, and of course even vehicles like the Septic Tank and characters like Cesspool would probably be better-suited to the Inhumanoids franchise than GIJoe. (Or the Cobra-La team. Heh heh heh.) While one's at it, it wouldn't make much difference to move over such sub-franchises as Sgt. Savage or GIJoe Extreme, or at least individual characters from them. (Click my "GIJoe" label for more information on those, or do your own search. I'm in a groove, and don't feel like taking the time to link them.) GIJoe is crammed with figures and vehicles which are "too goofy" (too unrealistic, too sci-fi, too whatever your pick) for GIJoe (fans' tastes), and of course generic figures can provide extra human characters, while Inhumanoids would not be harmed by this supposed goofiness in the least.

To pick up the slack that would exist in the line in the form of the decided lack of large monster toys would be the relatively small remainder of the line, made up of various medium-sized new-mold monster toys, topped off by one good-sized one (say, "Leader-class"-that is, about $40) to contrast whatever the largest vehicle in the line was.

If the line is met with failure in the mass market, well, boo hoo, but at least development costs were pretty low. If the line is moderately successful, then it can hold on by producing more recycled toys with relatively few new-mold monsters; if it is very successful, of course, then the design work would be worth the effort, and newer and different vehicles and figures could complement the designs of the monster toys.

Marketing, of course, would be a reasonably important feature-I would suggest cheap re-releases of the Inhumanoids on DVD, maybe some pack-in minicomics, and tie-in animation of some kind. (Even just webisodes.) To keep it in step with the market, the monsters' appearances and powers would probably best be rather more anime-like than they are in the old cartoons and toyline. Not that they weren't anime-like already in many ways-I mean, in its own quirky way, D'Compose's "turn stuff into giant killer zombies" power is pure anime. And I would suggest banking on what I've described Inhumanoids' appeal as being for me-"kiddie Lovecraft," a series about terrible monsters that people don't know enough about.

And there we go, a semi-detailed outline of just how one would rebuild some stupid failed toy/cartoon franchise from the '80s for today. Join me tomorrow, when I talk some more about Inhumanoids.

I am so totally stone cold serious-this is now Inhumanoids Stuff Week.

-Signing off.